Feathered Fears and Flying Machines

Sit back and enjoy this Kiwi pilot’s take on flying — a cheerful mix of laid-back wisdom and mild paranoia wrapped in a flightless bird’s reality check.

“Flying is safe,” they said. “It’s statistically safer than driving,” they claimed. And so, like any good, sensible Kiwi who values a bit of adventure, I took the plunge and became a licensed pilot myself. Now, as someone who’s actually been behind the controls of a flying tin can, I can tell you — those statistics? Rubbish. All of them.

Flying, my friends, is about as safe as wrestling a taniwha in a paddling pool. Sure, everything’s fine … until it isn’t. And when it isn’t, it’s all over quicker than your last pie from the dairy. Because here’s the thing: flying is only safe if, and it’s a big if, the pilot doesn’t nod off, forget how to read an instrument panel, or heaven forbid, spontaneously combust from sheer terror mid-flight or rather, mid-oopsie.

Then there’s the machine itself — a delicate little contraption held together by duct tape and a few Hail Marys. One bolt loose, one wire out of place, and suddenly you’re plummeting towards Earth like a sheep falling off a cliff.

But hey, don’t worry — there’s always a backup plan. Oh wait, that’s right, if you’re on a single-engine plane or relying on just one pilot, well, let’s just say, ka kite anō mate!

So, here’s a hot tip from a Kiwi who’s had a look behind the cockpit curtain: if you can’t walk there, maybe you don’t really need to go. Truth is, the odds are the same every takeoff. The plane doesn’t know or care how many safe flights it’s done before. It’s like rolling the dice with your life in a sky-high casino.

“But what about the beautiful destinations?” you ask. Well, beauty’s overrated when you’re nose-diving prop first into a paddock full of wooly ovine droppings or the great Aotearoa moat!

Anyway, who needs to go anywhere? We’ve got beaches, we’ve got fish and chips, we’ve got 100% Pure New Zealand… and all of it right here on the ground. So, maybe next time you think about hopping on a plane, think twice. Or better yet, don’t think at all.

Safe travels, folks. Stay grounded. Literally.

Addendum

From ChatGPT 4o 2024-10-12

Here’s a breakdown of accident and fatality rates for different classes of aviation and how they compare to driving:

1. Commercial Aviation (Large Passenger Jets)

• Accident rate: Roughly 1 per 10 million flights (for major commercial airlines).
• Fatality rate: Very low, with about 1 fatality per 16 million passengers (depending on region and year).
• Comparison to driving: Commercial air travel is far safer than driving on a per-trip basis, even when considering the large number of passengers on each flight. This remains true regardless of whether you compare individual trips or passenger-miles traveled.

2. General Aviation (Private Planes, Small Aircraft)

• Accident rate: Approximately 1 per 100,000 flight hours. For flights specifically, it averages 1 accident per 10,000 to 15,000 flights.
• Fatality rate: General aviation accidents result in 1 fatal accident per 100,000 flights. However, this varies with factors such as pilot experience, weather conditions, and aircraft maintenance.
• Comparison to driving: When flying small private aircraft, the risk is substantially higher than commercial aviation, and it’s more comparable to driving in terms of accidents. In some cases, private aviation may be more dangerous than driving, especially if conditions are less than ideal.

3. Microlight/Ultralight Aircraft

• Accident rate: This varies significantly by country and aircraft type, but microlight aircraft typically have a higher accident rate than both general aviation and commercial aviation. Some estimates place the accident rate between 1 per 2,000 to 5,000 flight hours, and higher in regions with less regulation or poorer weather.
• Fatality rate: The fatality rate can be as high as 1 fatality per 10,000 flight hours in some regions.
• Comparison to driving: Flying microlight or ultralight aircraft is generally riskier than driving on a per-trip basis, especially at open-road speeds. The inherent vulnerability to weather, pilot error, and mechanical issues makes this form of aviation particularly dangerous compared to both commercial aviation and driving.

4. Helicopters (Private/Commercial)

• Accident rate: Helicopters tend to have an accident rate around 1 per 100,000 flight hours for commercial operations, similar to general aviation. Private helicopter operations tend to have a higher rate, closer to 1 per 50,000 flight hours.
• Fatality rate: Fatal accidents are more common in helicopters due to their complexity and the types of environments they operate in (such as remote areas). The fatality rate is roughly 1 per 50,000 to 75,000 flight hours.
• Comparison to driving: Helicopters are generally more dangerous than both commercial and private fixed-wing aircraft and driving. However, they are often used in situations where cars can’t operate, such as remote or rescue missions, which complicates direct comparisons.

5. Driving (Open Road)

• Accident rate: On highways and open roads, the accident rate can vary, but it is generally around 1 accident per 10,000 to 20,000 trips depending on factors like country and traffic conditions.
• Fatality rate: Driving in many developed countries has a fatality rate around 1 per 100 million miles driven. The chance of a fatal accident per individual journey is approximately 1 in 10,000 to 20,000, though this varies by speed, road conditions, and driving behavior.

Summary:

• Commercial air travel remains the safest by a large margin, even compared to individual car journeys.
• General aviation (private planes) is safer than microlight flying but riskier than driving, depending on the specific flight conditions.
• Microlight and ultralight aircraft are typically riskier than driving, especially in poor weather or when flown by less experienced pilots.
• Helicopters are generally considered riskier than driving and small private planes, especially in non-commercial operations.